running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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