we have officially lost it.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
