Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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