he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We need a shit load of segways right now
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I am available for nakedness
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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