saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize