oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
