I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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