there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
