White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
