I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
