You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
