I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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