I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
