And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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