I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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