and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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