sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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