I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
