nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
