I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
