Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
