Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
