New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
