R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
