I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
