Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
