don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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