Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize