Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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