wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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