Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
