my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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