In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
