why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
