Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
