I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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