i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
