Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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