I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize