I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
