I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
