Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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