she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
