you turned your livingroom into a bong?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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