Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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