Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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