I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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