Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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