I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
