I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
