I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
