i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize