Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
