When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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