well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
