i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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