The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
