Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
