he shaved USA in his pubs
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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