Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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