You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
