you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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